The Proud Owner of the Unluckiest Rabbit's Foot in the World

Okay, I have to hand it to the Trix rabbit. I mean, here's a hyperkinetic rabbity thing who isn't Max lolloping around the forest in a constant state of arousal/denial over those freaking fruit-flavored pebbles they call Trix. Tricks! It's baked right into the name!

That poor bastard is mad for these things, and yet no one will give him any! My question is, why isn't he getting them comped to him by General Mills? He's the freaking spokesperson! Thing. Creature. Figment.

Let's not forget the sadistic little kids who are always telling him "Silly rabbit, Trix is for kids!" Well, if they know that, why do they keep tormenting him? What genius ad copywriter came up with this one? "Hey, check this out: We all know how cruel kids are, right? What if we gave them a way to not only get super hyped up on sugar, but also the means to deny a helpless animal some relief? Nothing gets children more excited than keeping something away from someone else... why not make that part of the fun? Yeah. I'm feeling a little tingly over here in my Lucky Charms."

You know what? I don't want to be around when Lucky finally snaps. Have you seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail? You know what I'm talking about. That rabbit is damned to begin with; it's only a matter of time before he takes some mean little cereal-bearing kid's head RIGHT OFF and makes away with his ill-gotten sugary treat... what then, America? Who will reap the whirlwind that was sown in 1960? Not me, my friends. I'll be safe in my lead-lined bunker, awaiting the Count Chocalypse.

now it's raining pitchforks and women
but i've already got a pitchfork
and you really only need one pitchfork
so it's raining women
-- 'Pitchfork', The Billy Nayer Show