Unbefrigginlievably Unlucky Charms

How much do I love Lucky Charms? Let me count the ways: 9. It's the little marshmallow teethdestroyers that make this The Official Cereal for Figments Everywhere. Seriously, it's the greatest thing since Fish Grew Legs. But let's not kid ourselves -- the theme song should really go:

"Frosted Lucky Charms/It's not at all nutritious!"

So here's my question: Why in the Hell of the Horny Dragon have they NOT made just the marshmallow bits available? They could call it "Just Charms" and market it as a candy!

Wait... I think I just figured it out.

If they came right out and said it was a candy, then they wouldn't be able to claim the cereal has any nutritional value... then they'd lose their greatest avenue to addicting kids to their brand! Ooh, sneaky... I mean, they've got me for life. Nothing's ever going to stop me from eating this stuff right up until my declining years. I'll get this crap into my system even if I have to spend four hours gumming it into a viscous gruel. So I'm lost already.

But as we all know, the secret to success for any manufactured food is bringing in new customers. And if that means putting a cute, overly anxious leprechaun on the box and in their commercials ("Saints Preserve Me! They're always after me lucky charms! They won't stop! EVER! BY MY SPRIGHTLY KNICKERS, MAKE THEM STOOOOOPPPPPP!"), then by General Mills Himself, they'll do it.

But they do have to keep up appearances. Looking at the box right now, I'm reading "12 Vitamins and Minerals" (just not in every box); "Good source of Calcium" (and by 'calcium', we mean 'tachycardia'); and "110 calories per serving" (as in the 'serving' to mankind of one of the best-known bastions of tooth decay and overstimulated kidlets since Willy Wonka opened his migrant worker-run castle of processed sugar -- I think I lost my train of thought there... damn you, Lucky!).

Here's the thing, though. I think they'd make even MORE money by making the Charms as a candy. Who do you know that eats this stuff and doesn't just segregate the charms from the Tender Vittles? It's happening anyway! And just think of the possibilities: All Purple Horseshoes Packs! Glow-In-the-Dark Charms! Oversized Charms for Easter, cross marketed with the Damned Trix Rabbit (don't get me started -- actually, do... blogpost to come)! Special Black and Orange Charms for Halloween! Ooh, I'm salivating over here.

General Mills, I salute you. You've done some good works here, but you can do more. Just one final thought and I'll get off my soapbox (for now): Please get rid of the 'pots of gold' -- they look like little golden truncated male genitalia. I don't care what your sexual preference is, you can't enjoy chewing that up.

Andy don't speak, I hardly think
You could live with what you'd say
You're not the kind that likes Justice blind
When it's facing back your way
-- "Andy in 10 Years", Game Theory